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Sorority Row (2009)

Directed by Stewart Hendler Screenplay by Pete Goldfinger & Josh Stolberg

  Color me confused as, while they never necessarily mention this being a remake in the features, do give credit to Mark Rosman for the film “Seven Sisters.” When the film they should actually be referring to is, The House on Sorority Row. However after watching what few special features this film did have, wasn’t too surprised considering what co-writer Josh Stolberg had stated. When referencing the killer’s wardrobe he discussed how most had an attire in which they were attributed for. Michael with his mask, Scream with it’s “robe,” Freddy Krueger with his hockey mask…wait, what? How do you fuck that up? No really, I’d like to know. No…really.

Call it the crazed maniac I hold deep down inside. But there’s a part of me that tends to get a bit excited when I see a film about a house full of girls being terrorized and having their very well-being threatened. Especially when it’s the type of girls of this nature; Sorority Sisters. Because it’s not as though they really offer much into society to begin with. Making it the perfect excuse to see the pretentious prima donnas’ get what they otherwise deserve; in movie land of course. Another road we’re all too familiar with as the plot centers around revenge. What’s more, a prank gone array as six Theta Pi sisters must spend the rest of the film trying to find out “whodunit” behind their most recent taunts. The girls include, H.B.I.C (Head bitch in charge) Jessica (Leah Pipes). Exotic and fun Claire (Jamie Chung) with party girl Chugs (thus the name). Brain and odd girl out Ellie (Rumer Willis) with tomboy/good ol girl Cassidy (Briana Evigan) rounding out the bunch. Not counting the dead girl because she last 5 minutes and anyone from The Hills  doesn’t need their name mentioned anymore than may already be the case.

But what’s funny is how the entire thing even comes about. Because it seems that Chugs’ (Margo Harshman) brother Garret (Matt O’Leary) had cheated on Megan (Audrina Patridge/dead girl). With their big revenge plot including getting him to slip her some roofies which in turn, would have him believe killed her being too high a dosage. Failing to comprehend however, that it was apparently after the fact of Megan having already cheated on him. Not that the argument of “You did it first, so now I can” is necessarily better. It just takes a special kind of whore logic to configure and in turn make your boyfriend believe he killed you. Because yes, that’ll teach him. After the small stunt they planned is achieved they move right into phase 2. Driving her out to Beck Mining Company and shouting out at great lengths about how they needed to chop up the body to get rid of it. *wink wink* Leaving no other option for Garret but to bust out the tire iron found within the vehicle and proceeding in actually stabbing his girlfriend to death. Now, who didn’t see that turning out for the best?

Though thou shall not fear as Jessica remains extremely calm under the circumstances. Claiming it would be in their best interest if they just got rid of the body and never looked back. Sticking together for the sake of sisterhood, despite Cassidy being the only one concerned with going to the Police. As such information could ruin each of their otherwise promising futures. Jessica, clearly made for the art of betrayal, is sure to wrap Megan in Cassidy’s jacket before throwing her down, to ensure such measures of keeping quiet. Shock and dismay running over Cass as she couldn’t believe what a turn of events had come about. We flash forward 8 months as their Senior year has comes to an end with separation undoubtedly having occurred. Receiving a surprise visit from Megan’s nearly “identical” looking sister Maggie (Caroline D’Amore) who attends, seeking catty revenge against Jessica. But really just pops in and out of the film with her bad acting and aim to misdirect who the actual killer is.

The killer, mind you, who really has no motive in going to all the trouble he does. Including going down the mine shaft to being up the corpse along with Cassidy’s jacket as a means of scaring the bunch. Smearing (in blood) how Theta Pi must Die while down the hole. Going to an overall, pretty elaborate runaround in order to show these girls a lesson. The entire idea being a bit far-fetched I thought. There was also the fact that he strayed from just killing the girls involved to killing a couple random people who don’t even get in his way. Now I’m all for mercy killings in a flick but they didn’t even do anything for me (am I sick for that?). Although, I did kinda like how they tricked out the tire iron. It was inventive and different. I also found it hilarious that they killed the girls according to their vices). So go figure the sorority sluts would bite the dust mostly by some method of mouth. But not like they could do anything further with the tool. The way it ended was far too insipid to imagine them daring to come up with a part two.

Visually I did like the film. There was some great shots with grainy fade in’s that made the film appear rather nice when compared to other B Horror films. The death scenes were also somewhat better than expected. The only issue being that I didn’t see anyone killed that I didn’t want to see murdered. And there should at least be one, but no…they all deserved it. Rumer as a way of misdirection was good for another laugh. I would have been hard pressed to find Jessica the killer before her. Even before her Abercrombie and Bitch Model boyfriend Kyle (Matt Lanter). That last shot of Maggie singing, having now become a sorority sister was just too much for me. I would have loved to slap the giddiness right out of their mouth. So if you go in planning on being disappointed, don’t expect to come out any less surprised of that being exactly what happened.