Oh, how I have missed writing!
Even though I still do. I simply refer to this rabbit hole I’ve fallen back out of, almost too aware to wander anywhere nearing Wonderland.
Though always reserving the right to take a portal back so as I see fit.
Having even created this world with the sole interest of talking about film, well, writing I suppose. Which I found to certainly be more difficult than spouting off on some thirty-minute rant (in person) about how something like Spun will always be one of the greatest films I’ve seen on-screen and that it doesn’t get much more romantic than seeing Spader and Gyllenhaal together in Secretary. That was something that at least became clear to me through this site. I wanted to discuss film but write what I know, and what I’ve experienced over these last 30 years of my life. In a way that was restorative.
Because for far too long, I allowed myself to hold onto demons of which I had no business giving energy to. Plain and simple. A lot of which had to do with my upbringing; if that was in fact what it was.
Sometimes people are lucky enough to be blessed with families the likes of which I thought only existed in film and television. Hence their appeal. Always too good to be true and not letting life get to them. Not that these families are actually perfect, it was just that the facade of it all was made to be glamorous, in a sense.
And then sometimes people are not so lucky to get any semblance of a good support system or parent, at that. Taking on their guardian’s pains and in such a sense, taking away any freedom they might otherwise get to experience in discovering who they are as an individual.
The control an adult has over a child is formidable. And the damage done through such control can be very hard to rid yourself of. Especially to those who claim to know you yet, not know enough to truly understand the fight you’re having to take on every day. That of being better.
Something that may mean different things to different people but to me meant acquiring patience and letting go of so much hurt and regret felt.
For too many things, but mainly not standing up to those monsters in my life. As close as they always were. Allowing their poison to continuously seep into my veins while making excuses for such to carry on. Because as much work as you may put into yourself, trying to be more or better, surrounding yourself with assholes who don’t believe in such a change will only continue to keep you down. Mentally at least, and who wants or needs that?
So how does that connect to this site exactly and me not being as vocal as of late?
Well, I guess in some ways it doesn’t. 🙂
Except that I probably have at least ten drafts on here that every time I tried to work on, kept changing or feeling like I wasn’t able to complete them, not exactly uninspired. I just wasn’t feeling it. Been through a lot of life in the past two years and it’s changed my perception of many a thing. People mainly.
Which was what really made me take a look at myself and what I was getting myself into. Did I want to adapt and live among the lemmings, adhering to their lifestyle? Was it possible to be surrounded by so many vapid and empty people and not let yourself wonder just how far down the rabbit hole went? Possibly. Which in no way is a means of saying no ‘good’ people existed within this world. Just simply that they were few and too far in between.
At the end of the day having to do what was right for me. I’ve always been a hard worker because that’s my ethic and it’s never mattered what I was doing, whether cleaning a bathroom or ordering several masses of people about, I will always put my all into work because it’s just that: work.
But then putting that work into my self wasn’t enough. People who had known me for years, including kin, treated me the same or made jokes that I couldn’t quite see the humor in anymore. Because it interfered with the entire process of me wanting to be better. If people treat you as though change is impossible, eventually you start to believe it again and slip back into those same old patterns you’ve worked so hard to tear yourself from. So a cleanse was necessary. Which in itself has been so awakening and a little scary at the thought of shaking off so many years of demons clawing around me, desperately wanting to drag me back down. But change IS possible. If you want it, and I do.
Because while I’ll surely keep writing, I’m not so sure that I’ll keep this site. Not sure there’s much more of a point in it. Though I still love talking about film, life, and all the things that connect the two. I’ve made it some chore when that’s not what I ever wanted this to turn into. Though I may change my mind later and decide to come back with a different name or schtick altogether, for now I feel like I can let go of what it was I was trying to find and actually allow such to carry through: my voice.